“Because we’re Delta Airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare!” -John Mulaney

I wrote this post in the air, on my way from Atlanta to Guatemala City. I’ve had a few hours since then to reflect on my opinions, and I’ve come to the decision that every single one of them is valid and correct. I would have posted this while I was on the plane, but Delta is the antithesis to all that is good and right in this world, and they wanted to charge me an extra $20 to get internet access.

Before this morning, I had never flown first class. I have some thoughts, which I will now share with you.

Thought number one: the warm towels that they give you before meals should come with instructions. I should never be in a situation where a total stranger hands me a piece of hot, damp fabric without giving me some sort of guidance. I had no idea what it was for – my hands? my face? the tray-table?? I sat there, like a fool, and waited for the classy business man next to me to use his to clean his hands before copying him.

Thought number two: they served me my cranberry juice in, like, an actual glass. I was handed glassware on a flight. First of all, kudos to Delta for eliminating some plastic waste production. But I am anxious and clumsy, and holding a very breakable glass full of very red juice on a very bumpy flight just felt like playing with fire.

Thought number three – Delta hates vegetarians. My breakfast options were as follows: scrambled eggs (with bacon), a croissant sandwich (bacon is a component of this sandwich), or cheerios (no bacon included with the cheerios). The lunch options were even better: chicken or salmon. This is maybe more of a me-problem than a Delta problem, but I would’ve expected that a multi-billion dollar airline company could spring for, like, one pasta dish. Some sandwiches. Something.

(Oh my god as I’m typing this the plane starting doing the turbulence thing and my glass of cranberry juice started wiggling and I am so extremely nervous about this damn cup).

So anyway, Delta’s not great. It’s not bad, and clearly I have no other
airline first-class experiences to compare it with. But I’m combative, and I choose to combat Delta Airlines.

Meet me in the pit, Delta.

Oh, yeah, and I made it to Antigua. It’s pretty dope. My hostel has eight cats and a bunny.

Smell ya later, gators,

Jules

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